It’s been a while since I posted last. There is alot going on in my life, but I can never narrow down anything that I really feel a strong desire to blog about. However, for some reason I will sit here for a long time every once in a while and try to squeeze something out of my conciousnes into some form of a post, and lately they haven’t even been that. The last relatively serrious post I made was in September of last year… so I think I am a little bit overdue. In that spirit, I am making this effort; and as you are reading this, you know I was successful.
I’m going to get personal here – I thought I would warn you up front. There are changes happening in me – changes forshadowed by the aforementioned post in September. Changes that have been long overdue, and some that I didn’t see coming until I realized that they had already happened.
For one, I fell in love.
She is a beautiful girl, one that has her heart set on the kingdom, and as a teacher, touches the lives of many people every day. She would be embarrased to hear me talk like this about her, but that is because she is very humble and at times, insecure. Her family raised her differently then most would, but the results have brought about her, and she is to me the exemplification of beauty, possibly everything that I could want of a woman. She is reserved, and Godly. I love her. Things are going a bit rocky now though, for many reasons. Some are issues that she has to deal with, and others that I have to. I still hope for the best, but it is going to be a long road.
Those of you that read this and know me will understand that while my faith has been strong before, it has not been as strong in recent years, and during a time was nigh non-existant. I went through a dark period of my life, where I turned away from what I knew God wanted, what I knew was best for me. I felt guilty all the time. All of my choices haunted me. Eventually, I was able to leave that behind, and begin the process of recovery. I’m not as strong as I have been in the past, but my faith is growing again; where there were once shadows in my heart, now the sun is out again and a garden is growing. I feel someday soon it will go into bloom.
One of the things that was pointed out to me recently is that I have never really had a drive to do anything that was greater then the next day, the next month, the next year. I haven’t serriously worked towards a lifetime goal, haven’t found a calling, and probably haven’t even been listening for one. Even some of the things that I thought were things that I did because I was trying to be good, after searching myself I find selfish motives. Living a life full of sins tainted everything that I did. Looking back at those times, however, I am able to see what God was able to accomplish with my actions. Even though they were selfish at the time, God was able to use them to build a framework for my recovery. He put certain people in my life that would speak to me, and give me strength to change, and motivation to keep changing.
Last night, all of these changes that I’ve been working so hard for came to a peak. I’m nowhere close to my destination, but I have reached an important milestone in my journey. I realized that I don’t have to change back. I have the power over my destiny, with the freedom of choice that God has granted me. If I keep on this path, stick to these changes that I am working so hard for, then I will bring glory to the name of the Lord, and will be a tesimony of His forgiveness and power over sin. With continued change, the prospect of being of use to God excites me; I hope that one day my faith is strong enough to hear what He is calling me to. I know He has changed me though, because I am able to love. I had forgotten how great love was, and how wonderful it was to be in love. Now God has returned to me the ability to love that I had lost, and all He asks is that I love Him. I do – I do love God. I have been changed by His blood, and His forgiveness moves me. Because I love Him, He pours into me all of the love I need to give to others, all of the love I have for her comes from Him.
My prayer is that God will continue to use my actions to build up His kingdom; but beyond that, I hope that He will take power over my selfish desires and help me find ways to honor Him for that sake alone, that I will start doing things for the right reasons. I also pray that he will give me the will and the fortitude to mainain these changes. If I would pray anything selfish at all, I would pray that He would warm her heart to me, and show her not the brokeness of who I was, but the man who He will make me into. And if she sees me fit to be her husband, that our marriage would be a testament to the beauty and promises of His Kingdom; that we would build a strong foundation that will stand the test of time and defy common thought and sad statistics.
In that light, I celebrate tonight. I celebrate the changes that have happened in my life recently, and God’s power to affect those changes in my life. For that, I can’t thank Him enough.
Until another day, I hope that these words can bring you hope for your own lives, for your own struggles. No matter how deep you are in, there will always be a way out. And while we will be required to face consequences for our actions, forgiveness is extended to all of us who have wronged another or God. Once we know the power of forgiveness, then we can be lights to the world – and shine that forgiveness and it’s power to everyone else who is living in the dark.
